Make your own free website on Tripod.com

Ferengi Rules of Acquisition

The rules printed this way were modified by the Great Nagus Zek while being influenced by the Prophets

1)

Once you have their money, never give it back.

1)

If they want their money back, give it to them.

2)

You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try.

2)

His money is only yours when he can't get it back.

3)

Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.

3)

I found it; it's mine.

4)

Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough.

4)

A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen.

5)

If you can't break a contract, bend it.

6)

Never let family stand in the way of opportunity.

7)

Always keep your ears open.

8)

Keep count of your change.

8)

Only a fool passes up a business opportunity.

8)

Small print leads to large risk.

9)

Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.

10)

A dead customer can't buy as much as a live one.

10)

Greed is eternal.

10)

Greed is dead.

11)

Latinum isn't the only thing that shines.

11)

Do business with a "small lobe" and you're bound to get a big loss.

12)

Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.

13)

Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.

14)

Anything stolen is pure profit.

15)

Acting stupid is often smart.

16)

A Deal is a deal (until a better once comes along).

17)

A bargain usually isn't.

17)

A contract is a contract is a contract...but only between Ferengi.

18)

Beware of relatives bearing gifts.

18)

A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.

19)

Don't lie too soon after a promotion.

19)

Satisfaction is not guaranteed.

20)

Only give money to people you know you can steal from.

20)

When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.

21)

Never place friendship above profit.

21)

Never place profit before friendship.

22)

Wise men can hear profit in the wind.

22)

Latinum tarnishes, but family is forever.

23)

Money can never replace dignity.

23)

Never take the last coin, but be sure to get all the rest.

24)

Latinum can't buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it.

25)

There's always a way out.

25)

Fear makes a good business partner.

26)

The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth; they stole it.

26)

As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer.

27)

There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.

27)

The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down.

28)

Morality is always defined by those in power.

29)

It's not the money,

29)

What's in it for me.

30)

Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.

31)

Never make fun of a mother Ferengi's (...insult something he cares about, instead).

32)

Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects.

33)

It never hurts to suck up to the boss.

34)

Compassion is no substitute for profit.

34)

War is good for business.

35)

Peace is good for business.

35)

You could afford your ship without your government--if it weren't for your government.

36)

Too many Ferengi can't laugh at themselves anymore.

37)

You can always buy back a lost reputation.

37)

If it's free, take it and worry about hidden costs later.

38)

Free advertising is cheap.

39)

Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers.

39)

Friendship is temporary; profit is forever.

40)

She can touch your lobes, but never your Latinum.

40)

If you see profit on a journey, take it.

41)

Money talks, but having lots of it gets more attention.

41)

Profit is its own reward.

42)

What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too.

42)

Only negotiate when you are certain to profit.

43)

Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.

44)

Never argue with a loaded phaser.

44)

Never confuse wisdom with luck.

45)

Ambition knows no family.

45)

Profit has limits. Loss has none.

46)

Labor camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person.

46)

Make your shop easy to find.

47)

Never trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.

48)

The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.

49)

Old age and gree will always overcome youth and talent.

49)

Everything is worth something to somebody.

50)

Gratitude can bring on generosity.

50)

If a deal is fairly and lawfully made, then seeking revenge especially unprofitable revenge, is illegal.

50)

Never bluff a Klingon.

51)

Never admit a mistake if they're someone else to blame.

51)

Reward anyone who adds to your profits so they will continue to do so.

52)

Never ask when you can take.

53)

Sell first; ask questions later.

54)

Never buy anything you can't sell.

55)

Always sell at the highest possible profit.

56)

Pursue profit; women come later.

57)

Good customers are a rare as latinum--treasure them.

58)

Friendship is seldom cheap.

58)

There is no substitute for success.

59)

Free advice is seldom cheap.

60)

Never use credit where your words will do.

60)

Let's you and him fight.

60)

Keep your lies consistent.

61)

Never buy what can be stolen.

62)

The riskier the road, the higher the profit.

63)

Power without profit is like a ship without an engine.

64)

Don't talk shop; talk shopping.

65)

Don't talk ship; talk shipping.

65)

Win or lose, there's always Huyperian beetle snuff.

65)

Huyperian beetle snuff may be fun for you and me, but it's no fun for the beetles.

66)

Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask for it.

67)

Anyone asking to be relieved is not crazy and must be forced to serve.

68)

Ear stroking will get you anything.

69)

Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races.

70)

Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise.

71)

There's a customer born every minute.

72)

Never trust your customers.

73)

If it gets you profit, sell your ow n mother.

75)

Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of Latinum

76)

Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.

77)

It's better to swallow your pride than to lose your profit.

79)

Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.

82)

The flimsier the product, the higher the price.

84)

A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount.

85)

Never let the competition know what you're thinking.

87)

A friend in need means three times the profit.

87)

Learn the customer's weaknesses so you can better take advantage of him.

89)

Ask not what your profits can do for you; ask what you can do for your profits.

92)

There are many paths to profit.

94)

Females and finances don't mix.

95)

Expand or die.

96)

For every Rule, there is an equal and opposite Rule (except when there's not).

97)

Enough... is never enough.

98)

Act without delay! The sharp knife cuts quickly.

98)

Every mn has his price.

99)

Trust is the biggest liability of all.

100)

If they take your first offer, you either asked too little or offered too mutch.

101)

The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it.

101)

Never do something you can make someone do for you.

102)

Nature decays, but latinum lasts forever.

103)

Sleep can interfere [cut] with opportunity.

103)

Fill a desparate need with your most expensive product, then mark it up 500%.

104)

Money is never made. It is merely won or lost.

104)

Faith moves mountains... of inventory.

105)

Don't trust anyone who trusts you.

106)

There is no honor in poverty.

109)

Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.

111)

Never sleep with the boss' wife unless you pay him first.

111)

Treat people in your debt like family--exploit them.

112)

Never sleep with the boss' sister.

113)

Always have sex with the boss.

116)

There's always a catch.

117)

You can't free a fish from water.

119)

Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet (...sometimes, good things come in small packages).

119)

Buy, sell, or get out of the way.

121)

Everything is for sale, including friendship.

123)

Even a blind man can recognize the glow of Latinum.

123)

A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is customer.

125)

Count it.

135)

Never trust a beneficiary.

138)

Law makes everyone equal, but justice goes to the highest bidder.

139)

Wives serve; brothers inherit.

141)

Only fools pay retail.

144)

There's nothing wrong with charity... as long as it winds up in your pocket.

148)

Opportunity waits for no one.

153)

Sell the sizzle, not the steak.

162)

Even in the worst of times, someone turns a profit.

164)

Never spend your own money when you can spend someone else's.

169)

Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive.

172)

If you can sell it, don't hesitate to steal it.

177)

Know your enemies... but do business with them always.

180)

Never offer a confession when a bribe will do.

181)

Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.

188)

Never bet on a race you haven't fixed.

189)

Borrow on a handshake; lend in writing.

189)

Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.

190)

Hear everything; trust nothing.

191)

A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves.

192)

Never cheat a Klingon... unless you're sure you can get away with it.

194)

It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door.

200)

If you're going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable.

202)

The justification of profit is profit.

202)

A friend in need is a customer in the making.

203)

New customers are like razor toothed gree worms,they can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.

208)

Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day. Teach him how to fish, and you lose a steady customer.

208)

Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than the question is an answer.

211)

Employees are the rungs on the ladder to success. Don't hesitate to step on them.

214)

Never begin a business transaction on an empty stomach.

215)

Instinct without opportunity is useless.

216)

Never gamble with an empath.

217)

You can't free a fish from water.

218)

Sometimes what you get free costs entirely too much.

218)

Always know the competition.

219)

Always know what you're buying.

219)

Possession is 11/10 of the law.

221)

Beware of any man who thinks with his lobes.

222)

Knowledge is power.

223)

Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox.

229)

Latinum lasts longer than lust.

236)

You can't buy fate.

239)

Never be afraid to mislabel a product.

242)

More is good... all is better.

253)

Synthehol is the lubricant of choice for a customer's stuck purse.

255)

A wife is a luxury... a smart accountant, a necessity.

261)

A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.

263)

Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.

265)

The customer is always right (...until you 'Rules of Netquisition' get their cash).

266)

When in doubt, lie.

267)

When not in doubt, lie anyway.

281)

Blood is thicker than water, but harder to sell.

282)

Business is like war; it's important to recognize the winner.

283)

Rules are always subject to change.

284)

Rules are always subject to interpretation.

284)

Deep down, everyone's a Ferengi.

285)

No good deed ever goes unpunished.

285)

A good deed is its own reward.

286)

When Morn leaves, it's all over.

286)

You can always buy back lost reputation.

287)

When the Grand Nagus gives you an opportunity, leave town until he's gone.

299)

Whenever you exploit someone, it never hurts to thanks them. (That way, it's easier to exploit them the next time.)

?.

The more time they take deciding, the more money they will spend.

?.

The greater (the) amount you are taking from someone, the greater the distraction must be.

?.

One person's secret is another person's opportunity.

?.

The hand that holds the latinum may also hide a dagger.

?.

You can tell a great deal about a man from his shoes.

?.

Time's an asset.

?.

Your goods are now my goods.

?.

Exploitation begins at home.

?.

When you see a good deal, jump on it.

?.

A Ferengi without a head for business has no future.

?.

Business is business, even among friends.

?.

Everything has a price.

?.

When no appropriate Rule applies, make one up. (The unwritten rule)
[Example: When the messenger comes to appropriate your profits, kill the messenger.]

50) If a deal is fairly and lawfully made, then seeking revenge especially unprofitable revenge, is illegal.
This is a rule mentioned in the Star Trek: The Next Generation series when Daimon Bok wants revenge for the killing of his son during the famous battle which Picard won using a Warp-speed maneuver.

I think this is the most complete collection of the Ferengi Rules available, which was last modified by Markus Beier on the Sonntag, 2. Juli 2000